The Shrekoning Saga: Part 1, Ogre the Line
The following is a test log from an otherwise undocumented experiment authorized by three OURANOS class personnel before being performed. All other documents of the test were destroyed afterward, and to this day none of the personnel involved have come forward. This test was meant to be performed multiple times
The purpose of the test was to examine the writing process of the average Item Documenter. One randomly chosen Research personnel, ranging in clearance level from ALPHA to GAMMA, was locked in his office with intel on an anomalous object and instructed to create an Object Document for it. That researcher was Victor Strate.
Test Log-███████-A
Footage taken from surveillance camera
12:00 PM: Subject begins reading documents and taking numerous notes on the object.1
12:24 PM: Subject creates a new document on Insurgency servers and begins filling out the infobox with information on the object.
12:47 PM: The subject, finished with the infobox, moves on to the object usage.
1:02 PM: Subject ceases work on the object documentation and accesses ███████.com through his browser. Insurgency researchers performing the test block the website shortly after to prevent further distraction from the subject's goal.
1:22 PM: Insurgency researchers have systematically blocked a total of ███ websites that the subject attempted to access.
1:25 PM: Subject resumes work on the object document.
1:43 PM: Subject finishes object usage and moves on to description.
2:18 PM: Subject walks up to the door of his office and attempts to open it multiple times before walking back to his desk.
2:20 PM: Subject charges at the door to his office in an attempt to break it down. The subject repeats this process of backing up and charging numerous times until he is successful and facility guards are contacted to restrain him in a separate office with a reinforced door while the door to his own office is being replaced.
2:28 PM: Subject declares his refusal to continue work on the object. Subject is instructed over intercom that he will not be released until he has completed the object documentation.
Caduceus walks into the surveillance room on his search for Victor. He had gotten worried when Victor hadn't shown up at the Physics engine's containment cell in the morning, and had spent hours searching the facility. He wasn't in any of his usual spots. He wasn't in the Sci-Fi strip club, he wasn't tickling passers-by with the Spatial Displacement device, he wasn't at the ghetto-rigged Shrek Chapel he had built himself, it's as if he had disappeared off the face of the earth. This was the only other place Caduceus could think of where Strate might have been.
He was almost correct.
"Hey, have any of you guys seen Victor?" "Yeah, he's right here," a researcher said, pointing the eraser of their pencil at a screen showing Strate bashing his head against the wall at a regular interval. Caduceus, not having been informed of the test, was confused. "Why… Why is he doing that?" "He thinks we'll let him out if he does that enough." "Why won't you let him out?" "For the test!" "What test?" The researcher handed Caduceus the approved Test Request form. "Well then." "It's actually been pretty entertaining. Want to have a seat and watch?" "Eh, may as well."
2:45 PM: Subject is instructed to resume progress on the item document. The subject does not respond.
4:00 PM: Subject resumes work on the article.
4:17 PM: The subject begins to sabotage his own article, replacing numerous important pieces of information on the object with Shrek-related information.
4:38 PM: Subject completes the object description and three appendices using more Shrek-related information.
4:59 PM: Subject begins editing process, fixing typos and correcting inconsistencies in his facts pertaining to Shrek.
5:30 PM: Subject begins speaking to the security camera, presumably to speak to the researchers performing the test.
Subject: Hey, guys, I'm done!
Dr. ████ (via intercom): Victor, you know we can't let you out until you actually complete the document. The object we gave you to document has nothing to do with Shrek.
The subject then went into a fit of psychotic rage, during which he attempted to destroy the office door with his chair until the chair was completely destroyed. He then repeated this process with a potted plant and one of his computer monitors.
Subject: You fuckers! Let me out! I'm going to kill all of you! I have the fucking article, right here!
Dr.████ (via intercom): We'll let you out when you're done documenting the object we gave you.
5:35 PM: Subject begins attempting to eat the remains of his chair.
5:43 PM: Having successfully eaten the remains of his chair, the subject then eats the dirt, clay and plant matter from the pot he destroyed.
5:49 PM: Subject returns to his computer.
5:50 PM: Subject disables computer monitoring system for his computer, Insurgency researchers begin work on restoring the remote monitoring system.
6:16 PM: Subject somehow causes a facility-wide surveillance and communications failure resulting in a containment breach.
Static. That was not a good sign. Caduceus turned to the researchers sitting around him, furiously scribbling away at notepads with their interpretations of what Strate had done. Caduceus seemed to be the only one in the room that knew how the door controls worked. A communications blackout would fuck the system over royally, and from the icon on the screen of his radio, he knew that that's exactly what Strate had done.
Caduceus ran to the helipad.
1:14 AM: All escaped objects contained, all living researchers return to their stations.
2:31 AM: Communication and Surveillance systems restored, subject found in the office he was being held in, having somehow retrieved and eaten the object Bad Donuts during the containment breach, including the box it was held in.
2:45 AM: Subject creates a humanoid effigy resembling Shrek. Chanting can be heard.
2:54 AM: Subject creates a pentagram with the face of Shrek in the center. More chanting can be heard.
2:56 AM: Insurgency Intelligence servers are remotely accessed from an unknown IP address, all attempts at tracing failed. Numerous test documents sabotaged with images of
ERROR
ERROR
ERROR
FIREWALL FAILURE
EMERGENCY SHUTDOWN IMMINENT
ERROR CODE 403
Caduceus, having survived the containment breach, returned to the surveillance room to find all the original researchers in their places, observing what to him looked like Shrek Worship. "Oh god, he's still in there?" "Yeah. We were instructed not to end the test until he finishes the document." "No, you don't understand, we have to let him out. He's going crazy in there." "Caduceus, we can't do that. Please leave the surveillance room while the test finishes." "No. All of you are being officially reassigned to Facility: Argary-K1." "Well, Caduceus, you seemed to have overlooked a little detail on the Test Request form," the researcher said, tossing a clipboard with the document on it to Caduceus. Caduceus looked over the document and found the signatures of three OURANOS class personnel. "Fuck." "Exactly. Now, leave before we have guards escort you out."
Caduceus walked out the door with defeat on his mind…
…And ran toward the offices with a plan.
Well, not so much a plan as a really stupid idea. Caduceus arrived at the door to Strate's temporary office.
WARNING: File corrupt. Do you wish to continue?
[NO]
The Shrekoning Saga: Part 2, Administrative Ogrerule
Haos sat in the darkened room, a single bulb on a chain swinging idlely from side to side, producing just enough light for Haos to play solitaire. A man walked into the room. To those who didn't know him he was nobody, but to those that did, he was Nobody. Or at least a representative of it.
"Ah, hello. So you've arrived, how goes business?" Haos says, extending a hand toward Nobody. Nobody shook the hand in return and took a seat in the chair across the table from Haos. "Business has been well. We have the stock market in the palm of our hand." Haos let out a deep, throaty chuckle that matched his deep, throaty voice. For someone his age his jet-black hair was impressive and menacing, something Nobody took notice of. Nobody took notice of many things at that time aside from just Haos's hair, but those other things are unimportant.
"So, what did you need?" Nobody asked. Nobody was eager for work at the time, with places like the Global Occult Coalition vanishing off the face of the earth. Nobody didn't want the Chaos Insurgency to do the same. They were a loyal customer.
"I need you to keep an eye on the situation. One of my Alpha Class may have summoned… the Ogrelord. Nobody cocked an eyebrow. For one of Haos's higher-ups to have knowledge of the Ogrelord, but to summon the Ogrelord himself? Not something Nobody or his colleagues considered possible, let alone plausible. "Oh, really, Haos?" "Yes. Normally I would have prevented his summoning, but in this case… It was unavoidable."
Suddenly an Alpha Class summoning Shrek sounded a bit more possible to Nobody. "And what do you need me for?" "To make sure things don't get out of hand."
Nobody leaned toward Haos. "What do you mean, 'Get out of hand?'" "Just make sure the destruction doesn't go past Base Four, and that no objects get destroyed. If Shrek gets too close to the containment cells, corral him in the other direction. Lead him where you want him. When you grow weary of watching the fireworks, put him back."
This set of directions interested Nobody greatly. He could have told Haos that it was too much, but then again, for a job like that, what could the payment be? Normally Nobody waited until Haos told him the payment, but this time curiosity overtook him.
"What might the payment be for such a task?"
Another deep, throaty chuckle from Haos, this time followed by a menacing grin. "Your payment is also the second part of the job. The operative that summoned the Ogrelord, his name is Victor Strate. If you can capture him, you can keep him."
This was a worthy payment. With the one that summoned him comes the summoning formula, something Nobody could use.
"We have a deal."
The Shrekoning Saga: Part 3, Ogreload Your Senses
As a panicked Caduceus tried dragging Strate out of the room, four armed guards arrived, guns pointed straight at Caduceus's head.
"Let go of him!" "No, you don't understand, they've had him in here for a day, and-"
A quick, violent rumble accompanied by the smell of onions threw two of the guards off their feet and threw Caduceus's train of thought into a brick wall. His intention had been to save Strate, but after that short rumble it shifted to saving himself. A second, much more drawn-out rumble followed, knocking down the last two guards and Caduceus. The smell of onions grew unbearable.
"Guess who!"
Caduceus went white as the all-too-familiar Scottish accent of Shrek pierced the ears of all at Base Four. The sound of explosions, screams and gunfire followed, along with a wet tear and a pop; someone had already fallen victim to his Ogrelove. More wet tearing and popping echoed through the hallway. Every victim was either overjoyed or terrified as they went limp from the force of Shrek's thrusting. The smell of onions leaked out of every orifice on the victims, adding to the stench that was causing some personnel to go blind. Containment breach alarms sounded as some blast doors opened and others closed. Anomalous creatures and personnel alike ran off in every direction, both sides with one thing, and only one thing, in mind:
Don't get raped by Shrek.
A petrified Caduceus turned towards Victor, the two of the guards behind him having already dashed off.
"Victor… What did you do?"
"I think I summoned Shrek."
"Well…" Caduceus paused and considered the situation for a moment, though it was quite difficult to do with constant screaming and popping ringing throughout the facility. "How do we put him back?"
"Put him back? What do you think he is, an animal let out of a cage? You can't just 'put him back' like that, it's much more complicated."
"Then what can we do?" Strate carefully examined the situation and did some quick math. Caduceus could see Strate's eyes light up as his horrible, horrible idea came to him. "The Human Serum!"
"What?" "We can give him the Human Serum! Shrek becomes human, loses his onion powers, we contain him, I can figure out how to return him to the Onion Realm later!" Caduceus didn't want to ask what the fuck the Onion Realm was because he knew he wouldn't like the answer, so he just grabbed the gun from a guard that had died of the onion smell and followed Strate to the Object Containment wing.
After a good ten minutes of traversing the facility and avoiding being eaten by anything that happened to have escaped in the chaos, Strate and Caduceus came up to the door of Human Serum's containment cell, which had already been torn open. The smell of onions and gunfire lingered in the air, telltale signs that some skirmish with Shrek had taken place here. A deep and melodic hum emanated from inside the cell, just out of sight of the two terrified personnel standing before it.
Strate leaned toward Caduceus and began whispering.
"Hey, I think he might be in there already, that sounds like Shrek's voice in there."
"Are you sure? It doesn't sound… Scottish enough."
"You're seriously going to question my knowledge of the Ogrelord?"
"Strate, don't call him that. It's fucking creepy. And yes, I am going to question your knowledge. The doctor always knows best."
"Ahh, Cad's come to play! Get your onion arse over here! I was just looking for something to drink, care to join me?"
"Shit." "Told you."
Caduceus began to panic as heavy footsteps began to approach the smashed containment door.
"Ohmygodohmygodohmyholyfuckingshitjesuschristwhatonearthdowedoohmygodohmygod!" "Calm down, man, it's just Shrek. Watch, he's a reasonable Ogre… Guy… Man… Thing. I bet if we just go and talk to him we can all work this out." "NO! You fucking idiot, don't do that, you'll get yourself Shreksploded." "Hah, I knew you would make a Shrek pun eventually. It's all ogre now." "Strate, stop it. I think-"
"Cad! Why haven't you-"
Shrek looked down at the two researchers.
"Ah, what a surprise! You're a big fan, aren't you, Victor?" "Yeah, I actually am. I summoned you here during a… Erm… Test." "Oh, well, nice to meet you! Now, for what I always do to the person that summoned me!"
Caduceus watched in utter helpless terror as Shrek effortlessly impaled Strate with his eshrektion, then proceeded to tear him into strips one by one and release his ogrelove into each of them. The strip that had most of his face appeared to have an expression somewhere inbetween constipation and satisfaction, which seemed about right to Caduceus.
Caduceus could do nothing but watch and wait throughout the whole process. Frozen in place, in utter terror.
And then Shrek turned toward him.
"Your turn."
After almost five whole minutes of staring at Shrek in silence, Cad spoke up.
"No."
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
"I… I said no."
"Really then? And what do you think you're going to do if I go ahead and get to work on you anyway?"
Caduceus hastily picked up a strip of Strate's corpse and began beating Shrek over the head with it, who was more surprised than anything. After what Cad deemed was a thorough beating that should have knocked Shrek right out, he sped off into the containment chamber to grab some of the Human Serum. Much to his surprise, Shrek stomped after him only seconds after he began running, and Cad had only a short while to get in, grab the vial, turn around and splash it into Shrek's face.
"Ugh… The fuck is this shit? Come on, cad, this is a new vest! I guess I'll have to make my next vest out of you!"
Shrek lunged at Caduceus, arms ready to grab him by the balls and butt to get to work-
And then Shrek exploded.
Shrek, right at that moment, literally exploded. Cad was thrown against a wall, every vial of Human Serum was smashed, the walls, ceilings and floors were obliterated, and a guard that was running to get away from a swarm of Terror Bites was, oddly enough, compacted into a shape somewhat resembling a coffee mug proportionate to Andre the Giant. The terror bites managed to survive, however, even though they were no more than a foot away from the guard at the time of the explosion.
By the time Caduceus had woken up, Shrek had already reverted the entirety of Containment Wing A1C to a pile of ashes and shattered butt plugs. Shrek was off smashing stuff, and doing his normal Shrek things, like shattering butt plugs, tearing people and animals alike, and-
Shooting lasers from his eyes and dick, both of which appeared to be glowing, the latter of which was about thirty feet long. And being eighty feet tall. Those were not his normal Shrek things. Cad had made a grievous error. Of course, this did give Caduceus- as well as everybody else in the facility- much, much more reason to follow their primary objective:
Don't get raped by Shrek.
The Shrekoning Saga: Part 4, Not Ogre Yet
